I was meant to go to something today, a political-community thing. I wanted to go, not just for myself, but for supporting the event, for learning more about how to make a difference, for connecting with people. But it’s one of those days when I cannot face leaving the house, and all the stresses that come with going outside.

I’m finding it difficult to balance being a political representative with being a disabled person.

Politics is in perception. We know about politicians who show up for photo ops, make themselves known, tweet something like “great to chat with X about Y tonight!” Then run off to be seen at the next event; because being seen to be around is what makes people vote for you. I stood for election this year, and I may stand for election again, and I find this one of the hardest parts of the whole process.

I live in a world that isn’t built for me. The traffic noise hurts my head; the smallest social interaction can take an hour of preparation and another of evaluation; I don’t know what will be seen as the right thing to say. A lifetime of being perceived as a weirdo makes me scared and self-conscious about leaving the house, exacerbated by the negative attention I get as an openly trans person. I have to plan out my routes and my schedule, trying to avoid things that will physically and mentally tire me out, like crowds, or standing still for a long period of time. Will I need my cane? Will people judge me for using it, when I haven’t had to another day? Is it okay to take a step back, be at the edge of a protest? If I join in a chant, will I out myself with my deep voice? If I don’t, will that be taken as a statement that I disagree with the chant?

I have a job interview later on today. All the worries about perception and environment will apply to that, with the added worries that being trans and disabled might stop me from getting a job and an income. I have a PIP assessment next week; same deal.

Interacting with the world is difficult. It doesn’t have to be; cities can be quieter, greener, fairer. Worlds can be less overwhelming, societies less judgemental. That’s why I’m in politics, to change things, improve conditions. But the performance of politics exists within ableist society, and those who succeed most at it – rich, white, cis, straight, non-disabled and neurotypical men – have the most to gain by keeping things the way they are.

They’ll find it easiest to do the schmoozing, and the schmoozing supports their political power, and their political power upholds unjust systems… which in turn makes the job easier for them than for any other marginalised group.

Being in politics to change this cycle is hard, and it’s necessary, and it’s demoralising. I wish I could be out today, shaking hands and introducing myself. Making connections and building awareness is a part of being a public representative, and I’m in the business of public representation because there are so many disabled people, queer people, women, who aren’t well-served by the people currently elected. I’ve made it my business to try and be a better representative, but I’m wedging myself between the world as it is – entirely hostile towards me – and the world I want; where a transgender disabled socialist can effect difference.

I enjoy the fantasy of retreat to some idyll, to some place removed from the cruelties of capitalism and patriarchy, of imagining some thatched cottage where I grow my potatoes and wear my skirts and don’t have to engage with politics. But it is a fantasy. Even if it were possible for me, it’s not possible for everybody who needs it, and that’s not liberation, it’s abandonment. As difficult as it is, we have to knuckle down and build the better world here – to take it from the institutions that have stolen our lives from us.

We have no choice but to engage with the world as it is. And the world as it is is exhausting. I can’t go to the event today. I don’t know when will be the next thing I can go to. My energy is sapped, but my resolve is strong.

Good political representation is worth fighting for. It’s hard. But it’s necessary. And for me, I can’t do everything that is needed, all of the time. I need help. And that makes solidarity and co-operation more important than ever; to help build an alternative where people like me aren’t at such a disadvantage. No one can do it alone. Not even the politician that can get their photo taken at every event; he just rests on the unseen labour of those around him. I have to try harder to remember that.

I can’t make it today. But I can try my best. I have to try my best.

 

I wrote this post last week. I didn’t get the job. The PIP call was gruelling. If you’re willing and able, you can tip me at https://ko-fi.com/ashjones.